The Google Influencer

As I get older, I find that I’m more and more like my little self. I’m her, but with money to spend on dumb stuff and a husband who enables me. Good news, though. He is also turning into his unhinged little self as he ages.

My husband, Eric, was destined to be a star. Picture this…

Alaska, sometime in the 80s, an elementary school on International Day. Eric stands on a lunch table, all eyes on him. He takes a pair of chopsticks, and sticks one in each nostril. Cheers all around as he lets everyone take it in. But wait — he pulls them out and then licks both to wild elementary school applause.

He got a note sent home that day, telling his parents about the chopsticks. It might or might not be related, but he was moved to special ed not long after that. I prefer to blame the chopsticks incident, but it was probably because he refused to learn how to tell time on an analog clock, which, let’s be real, isn’t that important now in 2025 anyway. Kind of like the whole “you won’t have a calculator in your pocket” reasoning back then.

In positive news, Eric didn’t spend long in special ed. They realized that he was actually highly gifted. Special, but not, special.

He spent his childhood being chased by moose, setting tire fires, and creating booby traps around his community. Essentially, he had an ideal childhood. I was, sadly, limited to setting small fires in the woods or talking the neighbor boys into doing it for me when it was likely we’d get in trouble.

I try to live my life like little Eric would. He’s a constant inspiration. That kid grew up to be a proper online influencer. Seriously. He’s a “Google Influencer,” and I write that with absolutely no sarcasm. He’s glad to let everyone know that his photos and reviews of such places as Lazy Dog at Fair Oaks, Hooters Fairfax, and The Shady Maple Smorgasboard in Lancaster, PA have millions of views.

He also knows how to tell time on any clock now.