A Vandersluis by Any Other Name

Our family doesn’t give half of a hoot about names. My dad's name is really John, but he goes by Pat. One uncle's name is William, but he also goes by Pat. Another uncle's name is Howard, but he goes by A.J., which is short for Apple Jack, because of course it is.

Instead of being a normal kid with a Grandma and Grandpa, I had Grandma, which is pronounced Grandmall, and Poppy. This history runs deep, since on my dad's side of the family, they called Grandma "Mamoo," and their lesbian aunts Aunt Betty and Uncle Lila, but that's another story.

Grandma(ll) could never get my name on the first try. She'd first go with Susan, my mom's name. Then, no, wait, Judy, my aunt's name. Then she may get to Kelly before I say, "Grandma, it's Kelly," but that was rare.

The first names were plenty of trouble within the family, but outside of our circle, Vandersluis was even harder. Vandersloooooeees is the popular and understandable one, but mail used to come to our house address to Vanderslice, Vandersliss, Vanderloo.

Vandersluis also led to great nicknames that we only now appreciate with some years in between their origin and present day. My dad was called "Vanderexcuse" for always having a, you guessed it, excuse. I was called Vanderhooter because I was (only retrospectively) awesome for getting boobs in 4th grade.

Now I have a first and last name that can both be first or last names. This leads to the obvious interchangeability where I'm called Kelly Morgan or Morgan Kelly. Sometimes, though, people go for the less obvious mixtures of my name. I had a professor in grad school who insisted that my name was Morgan Vandershoes, and still feels that way to this day, many years later. You do have to give him credit for a great pen name. Now, to figure out how to use it.